It only dawned on me minutes before the class stepped into the computer lab during the first lesson on monday...that there will be 40 13 yr olds...then I traced back my memories of Secondary 1 days...horror! I wasn't exactly a really difficult student to handle but not that easy to handle all the same. Imagine 40 of me...or to put it in worst ways..imagine 40 of my younger bro... HORRIFIED ANXIETY!! Shuddered and almost broke out in cold sweat. Mesti maintain. It was Dreamweaver - Web Design class....kids these days are damn lucky and they don't even know it. (By saying that alone shows that my subconcious self is telling me that I'm getting old by day!)

First 3 days were a normal stream class. Very hyper bunch. Tak leh dudok diam!! Kerusi tu dibuat macam wheelchair! On the first day, the students walked into the computer lab and took their seats. While observing the malays as usual will fill up those at the back...I was expecting them to be the problematic ones. But nooooooooooooooooo... its the ce-ye-nun-alif girls. Keep on logging in FRIENDSTER!!! And refuse to pay attention. Surprisingly the malay girls and boys were obedient and attentive. Tak banyak songeh! Bagos. Oh except for this Syed, I can picture him in his upper secondary shooting up like a pole far from a tiny petite frame he has now looking like 1 of the studs (he is quite cute) and walking around like he owns the blardy school while making his teachers swear at themselves for making this their career. The theme of the web is "About Myself". Here is what happened ;-

Syed : *raises hand*

Me : *walks over* Yes ?

Syed : Teacher I like Linkin Park, can I make a website about them ?

Me : No, this is suppose to be about yourself. Things like hobbies..ambitions..fav sports.... etc etc

Syed : But it is about me...my hobbies is music and I like Linkin Park. *muka tak bersalah*

Me : Yes but there is nothing about you then if you just build a page about Linkin Park. *walk away*

Oh that's just the beginning. During recess, my partner (2 trainers each class) told them that they can stay and surf or chat with friends but NO ONLINE GAMES if they don't wish to go and eat. Big mistake. Chaotic...they put pasar malam to shame. And this Syed boy happily log in yahoo games despite the rules.....even had the audacity to raise his hands calling me for assistance. And this is what took place ;-

Syed : Teacher u said can chat with friends right, there i'm chatting in this window *confidence engraved on his facial expression*

Me : *placing my finger on the monitor* This is yahoo games....we said specifically no games!

Syed : But she said can chat whaaaaat..there I'm chatting with him *pointing to a classmate at another table* in this window.

Me : *crossed my arms* Chat in person! Not online!! And this is still a game...LOGOUT NOW!

Syed : *mumbled somthing..*

Me : Don't try to be a smart Alex! *walks away*

Boys around : *laughter*

Cannot deny he is right in some way...cute thoh....they always have excuses for the things they do. Log in friendster because their web have a page about their best friend...so must go in and save the picture. Sigh. 1 of the girls at the back surfing anakmelayu plak tu!! At the end of the normal stream class some of the students went "Teacher you have friendster? Add me in ok....teacher can I have your hp number.....yadda yadda yadda".

Express stream is a whole different kind of challenge. They are smart, articulate and initiative. They will only raise their hands for help when all the alternative methods tried was futile. And impressively, they have the ability to multitask. Doing their work and listening to instructions at the same time. Opposite case for the normal students. The only setback with express stream is they know they are smart and want to do things their way. Oh and very stubborn. Itu batu besar ada dudok atas kepala. The malay students even talk in proper english to each other.

The funny thing was I realised the kids were listening to music the kind that I would listen to. Like Maroon 5, Usher, Christina A, Shakira...etc mostly airplayed on Perfect 10. And common things like Friendster and Blogs. And I wondered "Am I not any different from a 13 yr-old?" No I think kids these days just know too much. Period.

~

Sorry peeps...haven't been able to update or replies any messages here. Keep 'em comin' thoh!

Btw tactic reply shoutbox msgs ni influenced by yang Maha Geliga Tuan Aridewa :-

sugaa : andd oooh. pls do relink me okies. thanksss ((:

Estana : done liao!! thanks babe :)

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reality : Hey nice blog. Hmm gd luck wth ur jbhunt. Hey mayb u can compromise a bit abt the tudung.

reality : Hey it's S'pore. Nw they dont gv chance anymore. It's either the tudung or the job. then again, u're always free 2 join the long queue for muslims organisations.

Estana : thanks but i believe you've visited my blog before and so have i visited yours. The choice of tudung or job doesnt really happen everywhere. I know this person who worked few years for this company and when they implemented uniforms she tendered her resignation because obviously short skirts don't go well with the hejab. But i guess GOD wants her to have the best. Her chinese boss (the office have just a handful of malays) specially custom made a uniform for her and insisted that she must not resign. Now how is that for a compromisation ?
Oh and I had worked for a muslim org for 3 years....and there are a lot of other non-compromised situations as well.

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twistedz : salam! saw ur msg on my fren's webbie and investigated! i like ur site, so ceria!! ­ anyways, slmt berpuasa!and hope ur famz will all be well!

Estana : salam...ceria ke? macam orang nye jugak lah....kehrkehrkher... i tagged ur board but it was all messed up...thanks anyway and selamat berpuasa to u too!!!

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pinktulip : alowww estana...amacam? Dapur sibuk berasap buat kuih? ­

pinktulip : *sighs*... dreamy indon songs like this are perfect for rainy mondays... ­

Estana : aloooo...errr... belom start buat pon...oven sampai this friday...baru lah dapur start berasap!! hehehe .... my mp3 switching u into dreamy mode eh ? tapi best kan...ok lah nanti i tukar lagu techno!! amacam? hurhurhur...

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LindaNj : "long queue for muslim organisations".. hmmm..

Estana : seems like reality has already say what i wanted to say through her point of view in that statement.

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reality : To LindaNJ: Long queue doesnt mean the organisatns r popular.There're simply insufecient vacancy 2 cater 2 the many tudung gals who cant get jb elsewehere cos oftheir tudung.

Estana : on behalf of LindaNj : tanks ah tanks! but there are plenty of successful professionals who wears tudung too. (memandai je aku jawabkan orang...hehehe...)

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Ari : Aurat is not a compromise. If they hv commited to cover themselves up in hijab, let them stay that way. This is just the daily obstacles of dakwah. If u cant pull through this easy one, how to face other challenges?

Ari : Anyways, women in hijab r not the only ones looking for jobs. Its a matter of right timing and place. If it comes, good... if not, it will still come if we try till we succeed isn't it? Kalau gitu lebih baik jadi penari bogel kan? lagi senang!!!

Ari : Ni bodoh ke pendirian cetek. Unless your pendirian is different, then I shall not Qn that but don anyhow give comments for others like as if you are finding the faults of one's concept and principles. It is sad that u don even sign off.

Ari : Okah beb... sorry aku flood kau punya tagboard. Kalau dia kasi link aku dah flood kat dia punya.. or mail persoanlly if e-mail was stated. So too bad.. tempat kau jugak da jadi mangsa. Okah.. aku nak kena pergi practice joget 4 2nites stripshow!

Estana : kau ni potong jalan aku ah....suma aku nak cakap kau dah cakap kan..tapi takpe ah.. aku pon malas nak explain...u took every word out of my mouth. Yang ada percaya rezki datang dari manusia atau syarikat...diorang lupa yg rezki datang dari Allah. Actually aku tahu 'reality' sape..aku dah investigate..apa kata kita tag dia nye blog?? *nudge Ari in the ribs*
Abeh gi practice tak ajaaaak !! rabaaaaaaak !!! *hnnnnnnnnnnnnng!*

It has been crazy since eve of Ramadhan. Trips to the hospital every day ever since. My maternal grandma who is by right the most strongest person among all of us in the family is suffering from haemorrhoid. It is so bad that they have to cut half of what was left because it was too big to thrust it back in where it belongs. Doctors already told us many times that it was risky because given her age the heart might fail during the op. With or without the surgery it is still risky for her. Alhamdulillah the operation went fine yesterday. Now we're waiting for her heartbeat to stabilise before she can get out of the ICU ward. My mother has been by her side the most. My grandma's children are all scattered over the globe. So it was a massive SMS session to updpate everyone the situation. Then the overseas calls came pouring in. My mum and her eldest sis who are the only ones that live here on this island are the correspondents.

Yesterday it felt like I was in a sitcom. Adik aku pon admitted at the same hospital in the morning. Some inflammation caused him to cough blood. And then few hours later my dad's elder sis also detained at the A&E ward for observation. Adik aku pulak sama ward dengan pangkat cucu sedara aku nye nenek. Anak beranak meriahkan suasana hospital. We went from ward to ward up and down the lift checking on each of them. Adik aku went to ICU ward to see our grandma in his wheelchair. Yang jaga nenek aku plak our childhood play mate and same class with my bro in his primary years. Nenek aku ingatkan girlfriend dia. "Korang dua ni macam pinang dibelah dua". Blushing lah konon. Their regulation now very strict. Non-visiting hours the doors are locked. Everyday buka dekat hospital except last Sat. Received an sms from a friend yesterday asking if I am at the hospital and do I want him to get me food for buka. I least expected that from him. So sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet rite !! That was very thoughtful and really really made my day. Of course I didn't trouble him to do so.

To top it off, last night on the way home our cab almost hit the cab in front of us. It was so darn close the cabs were just about 2 cm apart from head to tail!! Imagine another 2 members of the family added to the patients list at the same hospital. Drama!

12.10 pm -> My hp just rang. News highlight ; Granny will be moved out of ICU and to the same ward as my bro. Yippee! Mercy on my knees today. No running around like a mad dog. What a surprise for my first uncle who will be flying in to visit Granny later today.

Sigh...Errands to run....and another day in the hospital...

Later peeps....*poooooooooooof*

What a sudden relief when I received the news of actually getting the job in a law firm. Am suppose to start the job on this 26 Oct. My contact told me that her boss is so impressed with my resume that he has confidence to use her as my reference and there will be no need for an interview. Sound too good to be true huh ? My thoughts exactly. So I had to be really convinced by my contact. I was already briefed on the job scope. I was actually willing to settle for an admin position with much lower pay than I usually live on despite my endless list of IT experience. Furthermore, this role includes a minor role in relevance to IT. And so I thought, it shouldn't be that bad. 5 days week work. I get weekends off. Good enough for me. Then came the gold prize question...no it has nothing to do with my qualifications....no no not about my skills either....and no definitely not about my experience, because I meet all the criterias....its about none other than my head scarf. Whether I was willing to be scarfless to join the firm in their battle for legal rights! *Frown* Errrrr.....what has my head dress got to do with the job ? Is it some kind of hindrance? Are they worried that it might get stuck in the door knobs while I walk in and out of the lawyer's rooms ? Or is it because the office has open concept and its too blardy windy that its going to blow the damn thing away so why wear it in the first place anyway ? Or is it that the well educated bunch in the office will mistake my covered head for kewl aladdin-like lamps from the backview and press on my tim sum size hair bun for the switch ? Maybe to them it affects my hearing ? Whatever the reason is, is it even a reason ? The most irritating part is that the bosses were ok at first and they see right thru it because of my so-called impressive resume. *cough-bullshit-cough*

I'm on the verge of giving up hope and faith in my quest of job hunting. Not like I haven't been jobless before. It has been so long since I'm actually on the Net at this hour...but the rejection is just too much for me to sleep on. I had to write about this...or rather type. I had an entry before about employers that give false hope. This is another major example. This is even more than hope.

So am I only fit for muslim organisations despite being equally qualified like any other ce-ye-nun-alifs out there? What do they have that I don't other than the language to gossip around in the office ? Is there something I don't see ?

On top of this fever and flu I'm having.........nothing makes me sicker than this rejection. Its not the first time. But it kicks in the guts everytime.

~

Having the best of both worlds is every person's dream, fantasy, wish. Whatever you may call it. We will always yearn for that perfection. And in every imperfection, comes barriers that either make us turn away or actually reversing it to fill our needs. It applies to every aspects in life. From career to personal commitments to love and even the simplest form of necessity. For example, how most of us wish we can enjoy all our favorite food and dessert without any restrictions but at the same time not wanting it to affect our health, weight or physique. Everything we take should be in portions. Too much work will affect other commitments. Too much money will make a spendthrift out of us and could destruct characters by making one a boastful arrogant and ungrateful person. Too much love will lead to taking other things for granted and neglections. Like an only son who repeatedly commits an offense knowing that his parents will always forgive him. Same goes for trust, a partner at times make mistakes without thinking because of the complacency in the trust given hence not expecting to get caught.

Therefore my earlier conclusion of appropriate portions in everything.

From a totally different perspective, same rules apply to human companions. It will always be either or. If a woman ask for a man that can provide a comfortable life, she may get what she wants but its not going to come in full package. 'Cos he will definitely lack in other department. Perhaps he has a temper she cannot stand. So its gonna be an either or choice yet again. If she chooses to be grateful in getting what she prayed for, then she has to live with the temper. But of course there are ways to deal with that.

Another scenario; a married woman that has a successful career but an unpeaceful marital which consists of neglected kids and husband.

Another scenario; A man who has a drop dead gorgeous trophy girlfriend who treats him with disrespect.

If we do look carefully, usually we do get what we wish for. But they just come in packages with loopholes. But we would be too caught up with the flaws that the key points are disregarded. Its not entirely impossible to work hard and strive for both. There are few people blessed with a great job, a wonderful family, and a comfortable fulfilling life. But does that make their life perfect?

Recent incidents had made me question my own decisions. Am I asking for too much? Or am I a victim of an either or situation. On one hand its beyond my control and on the other its uncomplicated. But the latter is not enough to compensate the confusion. And so in this case its neither. Am I in search for perfection that will never be mine? Perhaps.

You shouldn't have said the things you did
Thinking you know me
But not at all
Wasted on a chance that could have been
You could never imagine what went through my mind
The words that cut worst than a knife

Didn't we fix it the first time round ?
I wanted you to stay
Yet you acted on false conclusion
Ending up with another complication
Leading you to rerun the turned pages
Burning a hole in what has already been fixed

Time wasn't kind
And so weren't you
Still another thought of chance lingered in me
Maybe its better this way
Never will we know
Nothing but just another unkind ending
~

Waaaaah....what a long weekend....it sure do feels like one. Heh.... semalam a cousin of mine got engaged. We are of the same age. Kecik² macam kembar siam. Both rambot krenting, same body built, mata sepet. Out of both of us everyone expected aku yang get hitched first. Everyone was wrong lah. I can't describe the feeling of watching her in glee of happiness as the official engagement was announced. Its like losing a sister. Yelah memang tunang je but dah pakai baju glamour gitu dah macam pengantin kan. I told her "This is just a geez of the real big day". Ceh macam aku dah experience gitu. Kesian plak tu the mak andam tak nak dengar her suggestion of how she want her hair style to be. She is from Maniq². But the outfit and make-up is simple and elegant. Just nice for an engagement. Tak terlalu over. The sweetest thing was when her sister send an MMS of her to the fiance and he called saying "She look so beautiful..can i come over?" So schweeeeeet rite.

Ok all the sweetness saccharine aside. As expected, I was attacked by the hounding bunch of makciks with lists of predictable questionnaires and so called advices. Asking when will be my turn. Ada yang punya ke tidak. Nak tak kalau dorang recommend. Jangan lambat kahwin..tak bagos lah...yadda yadda. Rimas aku. And my usual answer "Heeeee lama lagi laaaah". Mak bapak aku tak pernah pressure satu kali pon. Dorang plak yang sibuk ehk. Another girl cousin of my age was asking me wether my mom pressure me tak...because she was sick of her mom pushing her into getting a boyfriend soon to tie the knot sampaikan promoting her to potential men. Kesian plak aku dengar. 24 (lagi brapa bulan baru aku 24....ceh ceh tak nak ngaku dah tua) considered still young pe. What's the rush anyway? Ingat kahwin ni satu dua hari je eh. Seumur hidup makcik oi. Everyone seems to be surprised when they learn that my Mom and Dad leave it all up to me to be ready without any pressure from them considering that my parents are the conservative and strict type out of the lot. Mak aku nye jawapan lagik power "Budak² sekarang mana boleh paksa....anak perempuan aku sorang je. Yang penting dia bahagia dengan pilihan sendiri. Kalau kita paksa nanti pape terjadi yang disalahkan kita plak."

Then when we got home, me and mom had mother daughter talk on my bed till wee hours. Last² dia tertidur aku yang tak boleh lelapkan mata. We were discussing how time flies so fast and finally this engagement actually happened. Because my cousin tu very career minded kind of girl. Always thinking of work and furthering studies. Love can do so many things to one huh. Mom always tell me off for sounding like as if I'm against the idea of marriage. Its not that I will never want to, but the thought of committing to one person for the rest of my life and its no longer about just me alone...there will be two of us....and being a wife means preparation to be a mother is another chapter in the book. Its larger than HUMONGOUS of responsibilities. My married friends will always tell me "dah kahwin lain sab...all the romance gone...tiap² hari kau tengok muka dia....etc etc". Then I came up with a suggestion...

Me : "Mak, kalau saya kahwin..boleh tak buat agreement..at least 2 days in a week or fortnight I get off..meaning I can come home to you and have time on my own?"

Mom : "Haha...Kau memang dah tebiat! Tapi it sound like a good idea jugak eh.."

THEN

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